Rebuilding

It’s hard to explain what it’s like to operate at half-capacity when the world expects your full self to show up. For the past few years, this has been my reality on Tamoxifen. Beyond the brain fog, joint pain, and stiffness, the biggest toll has been the quiet erosion of how young, capable, and like myself I feel. Some days I feel older than I am.

Tamoxifen blocks estrogen, which fuels certain hormone-receptor-positive cancers like mine. It lowers the risk of recurrence, but it carries serious risks too: blood clots, stroke, uterine cancer. Every day feels like a balancing act—deciding how much discomfort to endure in exchange for protection.

I watch women my age talk openly about hormone replacement therapy—about relief, balance, feeling like themselves again. For me, that conversation happens from the sidelines. I can’t replace the very thing my body must suppress.

For a long time, the goal was simple: get through treatment, stay on the medication, survive. But as the years have passed, the question of how long to stay on it has grown larger.

My oncologist ordered a Breast Cancer Index test to estimate my risk of late recurrence—how likely the cancer is to come back 5 to 10 years after diagnosis. We’re using it to help decide whether continuing anti-estrogen therapy beyond five years makes sense, especially given the symptoms I’ve been experiencing.

The results are clear: staying on Tamoxifen for another five years offers real benefit. Although the news bums me out, I’m focusing on what I can control—small shifts, daily movement, rebuilding strength. Here goes.